Becoming, part II

by Kat

“You’re growing.” It seems we’ve had this conversation before: to keep me here, to measure out hope, an alliance in teaspoons, measured doses of recognition.

We’ve varied the conversation over numerous days, in a series of states I’ve had trouble naming.

And yet, here we are in this place where I apparently belong.

“It doesn’t happen all at once; you become.” — On becoming real by the skinned horse from The Velveteen Rabbit

I am becoming, it seems… you’re becoming real, slowly but surely… As we sit here, not running, not avoiding, nearly being, remembering to breathe as you feel as if you’re fading away — “I should just be able to stay here — to push MYSELF to manage.”

“But you’re not managing; you’re thriving.”

“Why can’t I see that?”

“Because it hurts; you hurt — but it would be strange, abnormal if you didn’t.”

But look — a year ago we wouldn’t have had this conversation — couldn’t have happened, I suppose — what do you think?

Well, I’m still here and I’m talking; I haven’t faded off yet — I’m not going to judge you if you do. So, what now — what are you thinking? You’re staring off a bit. Yeah, you still here — sort of… You okay? I guess.

The view’s nice from here — are you avoiding something?

Maybe.

What could that be?

I could start this story a number of ways…

I know, so…

I’ll begin here. And so we do…