Intuitive responses and self-consciousness
by Kat
in·tu·i·tive (adjective)
/inˈt(y)o͞oitiv/
- using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.
Synonyms: instinctive, instinctual; innate, inborn, inherent, natural, congenital; unconscious, subconscious,right-brained, involuntary, visceral [1]
Sometimes I have trouble picking up on social nuances: I may overlook when someone wants to switch topics or needs to leave because I’m monologuing. I’ll run through mental flowcharts in my head when I’m figuring out whether a statement seems relevant (or for that matter socially appropriate — will they judge me if I say _____ ). Maybe I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing; maybe I have no idea what to say. I use scripted dialogue in unfamiliar social settings and then inevitably lapse into pop culture references — maybe I need footnotes.
My mom says as a kid when I was having trouble with a task, I said, “It’s hard for me,” rather than “I can’t do it.” Maybe that’s why I’ve developed workaround for dealing with social confusion. I make sense of social situations by looking for patterns, developing analogs, and creating rules. I impose structure on ambiguous scenarios; I ask for examples and further explanation when I can. Sometimes I’ll ask close friends or my therapist for a script when I’m at a loss for words.
I’ve deliberately learned to manage my anxiety levels. Maybe some kids naturally learn to calm themselves as stressful situations resolve, but growing up, I lived with uncertainties. My body knew I was anxious before my brain did. I could feel my anxieties in my shoulders, but couldn’t identity the accompanying emotional experience. I knew I worried a lot, but I wasn’t sure how to lessen the radio static.
There’s a self-consciousness that comes with knowing that some aspects of one’s being don’t come intuitively. I’ll wonder if I’m the only person who talks with herself in 2nd person to self-soothe: “This scary, but you’ll manage. You can do this because ____. You know that. I’m proud of you for doing ______.” I’ll realize I’ve created elaborate social rules in an attempt to understand how to behave in novel situations.
Maybe engaging in tasks that feel intuitive can be a form of self-care. My self-care consists of comforting rituals and routines (Aspergirl R&R, as Rudy Simone would say): My apartment sometimes serves as my hide cave. It’s quiet and dark; after a long day of managing anxieties and others’ expectations, I’ll crash in front of my computer to read blogs or watch Walking Dead. I take the bus to the local cafe a few days a week because the people there are kind and the pie is delicious. I’m learning to sleep when I’m tired and seek quiet when I desperately need it.
I’m asking myself, “What do I need at this moment?” Sometimes my responses include realizations that I need help, but have no idea how to ask for it. Help-seeking makes me feel vulnerable and burdensome. I feel strange talking myself through anxiety-provoking situations or taking frequent breaks when addressing stressful tasks. “But other people don’t have to do this!” I muse frustratedly.
Maybe they do — a friend reminded me, “You’re judging your insides based on other people’s outsides.” I’m listening to my needs and seeking feedback from trusted people. I wonder if I’ll become kinder to myself in the process.
- Definition from Google (used “define: word” function) – https://www.google.com/#q=define:+intuitive
I relate to so much of this. I constantly rehearse scripts in my mind, or out loud if I am alone. I also speak to myself in 2nd person, I never realized it until you shared it. Maybe it’s a way of encouraging myself from another perspective because I wasn’t used to being encouraged in a gentle/supportive way. And asking for help? I avoid it at all costs. You are right- it makes me feel vulnerable and burdensome. It also feels very strange to me because I do not know how to react when people OFFER help. I run over and over again in my head, what do I say, how does my face look? Do I shake their hand or hug them or smile or ? Have I seen this on television so I might know how to act? It feels so awkward and uncomfortable, that I try to not talk about things I might need help with.
This. Just all of this.
I talk to myself in 2nd person a lot. It’s always nice knowing you’re not the only one. 😛
Someone I love dearly has aspergers on a very high functioning level. You would never know unless you lived with him, and then you still might not know, but I am his mother. He won’t talk about it or accept the diagnosis, so I never know how he’s feeling or thinking. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to following your blog, as I think it might help me to better understand my son. I tried for years when he was young to get someone to tell me what wasn’t right and everyone told me he was just a normal little boy. I, as his mother, knew different, but didn’t have a clue as to what it was. He was finally diagnosed at the age of 16. A little late to get the much needed help that could have benefited him when he was just a little boy. I’m very angry at our mental healthcare system for missing this, until at the age of 16 I took him to my therapist and she diagnosed him right away. I wish you the best on your journey and I look forward to following your journey. Have an awesome day.
Peace,
Tammy:)
“But other people don’t have to do this!” I muse frustratedly. Maybe they do — a friend reminded me, “You’re judging your insides based on other people’s outsides.”
That is so true, and only something I’ve recently realised.