Sometimes feelings are hard.

by Kat

This is me sitting in the waiting room, moving my Tangle back and forth as Aloe Blacc plays from my headphones, then switching to sketching a tree in my poetry notebook. I stim and intentionally breathe. The psychiatrist is running late and I’m already nervous about seeing this new clinician. I got a phone call the previous week that my former nurse practitioner was no longer seeing patients. And so I sit there, waiting to be called back, tired and anxious.

I suppose worn isn’t an emotional state, but when I’m feeling utterly exhausted, describing my feelings becomes increasingly difficult. These experiences are too abstract. Dialogues about internal states become like a parlor game — describe the external cues and guess the feeling. I notice my shallow breathing and feeling distant, and then conclude I’m probably anxious.

But how anxious or for how long have I felt this way? I don’t know. Those questions are harder to answer. Sitting across from this unfamiliar clinician, I feel like I should have an answer. I try to come prepared for meetings like this — with notes on legal sheets of meds taken and how my body felt (tired mostly — but that feels so vague). In these moments I feel complicated, wishing I could see the histories taken by previous clinicians, those attempting to describe my mental state. I have trouble trusting myself — my report of what happened and what is happening.

I’m afraid my descriptions of my internal states — of myself — will be inadequate. That they will result in a treatment that only sets me further back. I fear being misunderstood — that my words will fail to say what I need, what would help. I rely on someone outside myself to interpret this narrative — to see the patterns I’m trying to describe. My tiredness is a frustrating distraction from the present moment. I don’t feel enough.

I suppose that’s an ongoing theme in my narrative. These not enough feelings that linger. Not enough sleep, not enough words, not enough support, not enough direction, and not enough time. That my actions will leave a space for failure. I find as I get closer to dissertation, these fears of completion grow stronger. What happens if what I present is rejected? What if I meet these requirements and I still feel stuck? These questions don’t feel like they’re going anywhere.

I wish I knew where these questions were coming from. I can only ponder. I know safety is an unfamiliar feeling for me — that internalized sense of resolution never arrived. It was outside my frame of reference growing up; I feel like I’ve been trying to create that sense of security ever since.

This is usually the part of my blog posts where I’ve reached a conclusion or at least a stopping point. I have a harder time just writing into the ambiguity. Perhaps that’s my wound — the kind my writing group facilitator encourages us to write into. To say, I don’t know, and sit with these words is so hard. In these moments, I feel lacking. I am a rough draft — both in-progress and good enough. And so I keep writing…